Without My Mask On

Time Lapse

It’s been an extremely long time since I posted here. I guess I didn’t need it. However, I still find this extremely therapeutic and stress relieving. I’ve been reading my old post, and gosh they don’t sound like me in the slightest. It’s funny to look back on old emotions. They seem so silly. I guess thats what the point of this fucking internet blog is. There is only 1 person following me so it’s not like anyone reads this shit anyways. 

Last time I left off, I was heading home for break. Well break is long over. In fact, we’re almost going on spring break. One more week of bullshit and pretending then I can finally do some real work. Some real survival work.

I honestly can’t even see what I saw in {Ross}. He’s a total fucking moron. All he cares about is himself, and now that him and {Chad} broke up, all he cares about is finding someone else. Half the boys he finds attractive are either ugly, weird looking, or just plain desperate. One boy he liked ended up on fucking Grindr. That gross gay iphone app. I don’t have one, but my friend {Rodney} does. He showed it to me. I honestly think Grindr is the grossest invention known to man, but to each his own. {Rodney} has ended up being a great friend. Sure he’s a dramatic, gossip and rumor starter… aren’t we all to some extent? 

It’s funny to see who ended up actually staying my friend over the course of this year. My best friend of 7 years {Jessica}, my great friend of 1 year {Leah} and {Ross} are actually going to live together next year. They left {Rodney} and I in the dust. After I asked repeatedly. I wonder why I would be such a bad person to live with. I’m neat, thoughtful…. I guess If I have to wonder that, they aren’t the right people to be living with anyways. 

{Jessica} broke up with her boyfriend recently after a break and she has been looking for dick every which way. It’s weird to see that side of her again. It’s been two years. I feel so terrible for her now ex-boyfriend. It was only about a day after and she had already hooked up with some sleazy boy. 

All these backstabbing moments, and human facades have made me even more petrified to venture into the outside world. Ew side-note… I just masturbated and there is cum everywhere…ew. Anyways, as I was saying… if these people who I thought were my friends end up treating me like shit, what are other people going to treat me like?

To say the least. I’m over it. All I know is I have a great family, a great boyfriend, and the best friend anyone could ask for. Its almost like these other stupid fucks are just obstacles I have to climb through just to get where I’m going… I’ve always been good at obstacle courses so I say bring it on. 

 

Things are looking up

Welp. I’m home. I’m not going to see any of those fucked up crazies for a month. I can’t tell if thats a bad thing or not though. I’m going to miss them but I definitely need time to myself. Write/finish some music? Who knows. All I know is I just need to move on. 

All a memory.

People come into your lives. They leave. They may re-appear once in a while but the sad truth is you may only end up keeping a few people close to you. I guess thats the whole game. Trying to find those few people. I know for a fact I found a few, but it’s hard being away from them for so long. It’s as if they aren’t even there. I know they will always be there though. I don’t know what more I could possibly want, but I do. I want. 

It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that you may care about someone so much, and feel such a connection and realize that it isn’t mutual. You are not on their life path. No matter how hard you fucking try to be, you never will be. You never can be. I for one have never been found… I’ve only been finding. It would be nice for someone to find me once. I can’t tell you how disheartening it is to be the only one that cares.

If love is the meaning of us being on this god forsaking planet, how come it seems like I don’t intertwine with anyones path unless I kick, fight, bight and claw my way into it. I’d love to fall in for once. 

Maybe one day. I hope. 

Another Plateau to Cross

He doesn’t look at me like I look at him. I can’t even understand why I want him to. He barely even texts me back. His fucking crazy ex-boyfriend texts me more than he does, and the sad thing is that I know he isn’t obligated. I feel like {Ross} is. I’m fucking tired of not even being mentioned. Are my abs not toned enough? Is my face not pretty enough? Am I not sexy enough? Funny enough? Caring enough? Nice enough? I honestly don’t know what else there is I can do. It breaks my heart and destroys my spirit. 

The other night he told me I was sexy. He said I was in his top 2. I can’t help but think that was just to make me feel better. I’ve never hated how I looked more than I do now. I plan on getting a lot fitter over this break just for him. Hopefully by the end of six weeks, it will be for me instead. I hope to god. 

Tomorrow is my second to last day with him. I think I’m going to ask him to sleep in my room one more time. 

Tonight I saw a show my ex-boyfriend was in with my best friend {Leah}. It was good to get away for a while. But it hurts most when I’m by myself. I’ve recorded him a ton of songs just so he won’t forget about me over this break. Maybe he’ll realize there’s something more like I do… It seems unlikely but… it’s all I have to hope for. 

I don’t know what I can do to impress you. I don’t even know why I want to.